“We can disagree without being disagreeable.”
– Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Years ago, after I moved to the United States, my mom called me, unusually upset about news she had watched on TV. Instead of the usual, “How are you, darling? How is life treating you?” she began the conversation with, “Your president has created so many issues for my country…. Americans are….” I was quite surprised by her sudden enthusiasm to judge, and it was unlike the way we typically communicated.
I quietly listened to her vent until she ran out of steam. When she finished, I asked gently, “Mom, who are you calling right now?” Her breathing slowed, her tone softened, and I could almost hear her rolling her eyes through the phone, realizing the absurdity of her frustration. I continued, “This is still me, your daughter. I’m still the same person I was before the American president, before the news, and before I moved to the US. I love you the same way I always have, and I know that you love me just as much, regardless of where I live. How about we talk about us and our daily crises and aspirations instead?”
I could feel her smile through the phone. Her warmth returned to her voice, and we shifted to talking about our lives and the things that truly mattered. From that moment, we made an unspoken agreement: we wouldn’t argue or discuss politics. It was our “hot-button” topic, one that we respectfully avoided to protect our bond.
What Are Your “Hot Button” Topics?
How many of you have similar “hot-button” topics in your relationships? Was pushing that button worth the damage it caused? What makes topics like politics so volatile that they can drive a wedge between people who deeply care for one another?
It’s important to examine these questions, especially in today’s polarized world. When I hear clients tell me, “I’ve discovered that my core values and the values of my partner, friend, or family member are different. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t share my values. If they’re against my values, then they’re against me. We have nothing in common,” I always pause to ask, “What are those values you’re referring to?”
Most often, I hear responses like, “Dignity, trust, honesty, loyalty.” These are undeniably meaningful principles, but I follow up with, “What does it mean to be loyal or honest? When do we trust? What does dignity mean to you?”
These are deeply personal questions, and most people realize that their values are more nuanced than they initially thought. What’s striking, however, is how often we see these values as being tied to politics, religion (which is also politics in a way), or world’s current events. But the truth is, don’t we carry these values independently of ideological debates? Don’t we practice dignity, honesty, and loyalty in our daily lives as a compass that guides us in making ethical decisions? If the answer is “yes,” then why do we sometimes assign these values exclusively to political beliefs? Why do we let disagreements over abstract issues lead us to conclude that someone is “against us” simply because they don’t share our perspective?
This happens because politics often taps into our sense of identity and belonging. It’s not just about policy or governance—it becomes personal. When someone challenges our political beliefs, it can feel like they’re questioning our character or dismissing our lived experiences. But is this perception accurate? Are we really so different from the people we disagree with?
If we take a step back, we might realize that we’re not so far apart after all. Most of us want similar things: safety, love, respect, and a sense of purpose. Where we differ is often in the strategies or beliefs we think will achieve these goals, not in the values themselves.
Bridging the Divide
The key to maintaining relationships despite political differences is to remember that values are universal, even if the way we express them is not. Trust, honesty, and loyalty don’t belong to one ideology. They’re human qualities that transcend political lines.
It’s also essential to practice active listening and curiosity. Instead of assuming someone’s beliefs make them incompatible with us, ask them questions about their experiences. What shaped their worldview? Why do they care about certain issues? By understanding their story, we may find common ground or, at the very least, respect their humanity.
Finally, it’s okay to set boundaries around hot-button topics. Just as my mom and I decided to avoid political discussions, you can choose to protect your relationships by steering clear of divisive subjects. Relationships don’t need to be battlegrounds for ideological debates—they can be safe havens where mutual respect and love thrive.
Takeaway
Relationships are built on the foundation of shared humanity, not shared opinions. It’s possible to love and respect someone without agreeing with everything they believe. When we prioritize connection over conflict, we open the door to deeper understanding and compassion.
