My adult son is planning to visit my husband and me at the end of the month. We love him dearly, and we’re always excited to see him, especially since his visits are infrequent. However, this morning my husband opened up about some concerns regarding the upcoming visit. He said, “I’m worried that I might grow impatient when Alex starts questioning everything we do and pushing his point of view.” This comment really caught me off guard.
Initially, I felt defensive and my first thought was, “How could you feel that way? He only visits once a year, and it’s never for more than a few days!” I wanted to jump in and defend my son. But instead of reacting out of frustration, I decided to take a different approach. I paused and said, “Tell me more about your worries. What specifically is bothering you? Is there anything I can do to help reduce the tension?”
By choosing to ask instead of react, I hoped to create a space where my husband felt comfortable sharing his feelings. I wanted to understand where his concerns were coming from and show that I’m here to support both of them during the visit.
Creating a safe space for expressing complex feelings is never easy. It requires intentional effort and the willingness to challenge our natural instincts, especially when we hear something that touches a sensitive spot or makes us uncomfortable. In those moments, it’s easy to misinterpret our partner’s words as personal attacks, criticism, or even hurtful remarks. However, most of the time, they’re simply trying to share their emotions and experiences—seeking to be understood, not to cause harm.
Opening up in this way takes immense courage. Being vulnerable means standing emotionally exposed, revealing our deepest fears and insecurities without the safety of any protective barriers. It’s a difficult step to take because we often fear that our partner may not fully understand us, or worse, might react in a way that makes us regret being so open. As a result, many people hold back, choosing to guard their emotions rather than risk potential hurt.
Yet, vulnerability is the foundation of true intimacy in a relationship. When we share our innermost thoughts and feelings, we create the opportunity to connect on a deeper, more meaningful level. This fosters trust and strengthens the bond beyond superficial interactions. But for this kind of openness to thrive, it requires not only bravery from the person sharing but also a high degree of emotional maturity and receptivity from the listener. The listener’s task is to set aside judgment, resist the urge to become defensive, and approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. This mutual effort lays the groundwork for a relationship that is rich in trust, connection, and emotional safety.
So, how do we create that “safe space”? Below are the foundational steps you can follow to ensure that your arguments are healthy, constructive, meaningful, and respectful:
- “Listen/Hear”
It begins with active listening—being fully present in the conversation without distraction, making it clear that we are here to listen, not to judge. This means focusing on the speaker’s words, body language, and emotions, while resisting the impulse to formulate a response or defense in our heads. Instead, we listen with the goal of truly understanding what they are feeling and why.
- “Clarify”
Clarifying your partner’s message goes beyond simply repeating their words back to them. It’s about demonstrating your understanding of what they’re trying to convey. The goal is to ensure that both of you are on the same page in the conversation. Since we all interpret things through our own perspectives, this step is crucial in hearing your partner’s message as they intended, not as you might initially perceive it.
To do this, try to avoid making assumptions, asking leading questions, adding comments, inserting your own opinions, or justifying yourself with phrases like “but…” Additionally, resist the urge to jump straight into fixing the problem. There will be time for that later, but right now, focus on truly listening and ensuring you fully grasp your partner’s perspective.
- “Validate”
Managing our own emotions is also key. Creating a safe space means we need to be aware of our own triggers and reactions. When something said makes us feel defensive, it’s natural to want to lash out or shut down. But instead, we can take a deep breath, pause, and remind ourselves that the conversation is not about “winning” or proving ourselves right—it’s about supporting our partner in feeling heard and understood. Tap into your empathy and genuinely connect with your partner’s feelings. Reflect on your own experiences and find a moment when you felt something similar. By recalling those emotions, you can relate more deeply to what your partner is going through, creating a stronger bond of understanding and compassion between you both.
- “Asking for permission to tell ‘My side of the story’”
This step focuses on respecting each other’s emotional boundaries. It’s essential to consider your partner’s emotional state, especially after they’ve been validated. Sometimes, listening to your loved one’s side of the story right away can feel overwhelming, and you might need time to appreciate deeply the validation you’ve received. Don’t hesitate to ask for a time-out if you need space to regulate your emotions. However, first, reassure your partner that you’re still open to hearing them out—just not right at this moment. Establish a clear timeline by letting them know when you’d like to revisit the conversation. Once that time comes, make sure to approach your partner and initiate the discussion, providing them with the opportunity to be heard and witnessed. At this point, the roles will reverse, and you’ll need to apply the same steps we discussed earlier, fostering an atmosphere of understanding and support.
- “Forming a solution”
Forming a solution is the final step in the process, and it’s important that we avoid a prescriptive approach where one partner takes control and enforces the solution, while the other simply goes along with it. This kind of dynamic would undermine the emotionally safe space we’ve worked to create. Instead, we want to be more considerate of each other’s thoughts and contributions, using a collaborative, suggestive approach.
For instance, rather than saying, “I know what we can do. If you don’t say [….], then I won’t respond that way. If you stop telling me [….], I would appreciate it,” we can reframe it more thoughtfully. A gentler suggestion might be, “Maybe if I say or do […..], it could help you feel heard and understood. What are your thoughts/feelings about this solution?” This way, both partners are involved in finding a solution that honors their perspectives.
Cultivating patience and trust is key to building a strong relationship. Safe spaces don’t form overnight; they require time, consistency, and commitment. By regularly engaging in open communication, sharing our vulnerabilities, and supporting our partner when they do the same, we gradually create an environment of trust and emotional safety. Over time, this space becomes a haven where both partners can express themselves freely, without fear of judgment, rejection, or misunderstanding.
As a couple learns to create and nurture this safe space, their relationship undergoes a transformation. They develop a deeper level of understanding, where both feel truly seen, heard, and respected. This openness not only strengthens their bond but also equips them to face challenges with greater resilience, fostering a connection that is genuine, lasting, and deeply fulfilling.
As for my family, the conversation before my son’s arrival helped my husband and me work together to make the time with Alex as enjoyable and peaceful as possible for everyone.
